Forgiveness Part Three
“Forgiveness is more than a moral imperative, more than a theological dictum. It is the only means, given our humanness and imperfections, to overcome hate and condemnation and proceed with the business of growing and loving.”
– Ρ W Coleman, quoted by Hill and Mullen “Contexts for Understanding Forgiveness and Repentance as Discovery” Journal of Pastoral Care 2000): 296.
What Forgiveness is NOT
1. Forgiveness can never go along with violence and aggression toward another human being (Romans 12:17-19).
2. Forgiveness is not an offer of pardon. As human beings, we lack the authority and the power to undue the debt of sin. Jesus is the only one who can atone for sins. (See notes from Forgiveness Part 2 dated 7-11-08).
3. There is a huge difference between toleration and forgiveness. “We tolerate what another has done when we overlook or ignore. We forgive what we cannot tolerate, will not overlook or ignore” (David Augsburger, Helping People Forgive): 165.
Appreciating the Forgiveness Continuum
Forgiveness can be unilateral—where one party takes the freeing step or mutual—when both parties step toward each other. “Authentic reconciliation requires movement by both sides, the offender and the offended. Both contribute, both grow, both reopen the future” (David Augsburger, Helping People Forgive): 166.
UNILATERAL FORGIVENESS MUTUAL FORGIVENESS
1. Respect, Regard- To see the other as full of worth
2. Repentance, Reconstruction — To see the offense clearly, feel the offense fully <A Middle Ground– could be unilateral but more fully possible with mutual consent>
3. Reconciliation, Relationship — To reach out in acceptance, To reopen the future again, in spite of the wrongdoing.<Requires Both Parties>
A Flow Chart for Forgiveness
How should we react if a person comes to us with an appeal for forgiveness?
IN THE PRESENTATION OF AN APPEAL FOR FORGIVENESS IS THE PERSON AND THE REQUEST: PLEADING
– 1. NON-RESPONSIBLE?
– 2. RESPONSIBLE?SEEKING
– 3. RELEASE?
– 4. READMISSION?REQUESTING
– 5. RETURN TO MORAL COMMUNITY?
– 6. RENEWAL OF RELATIONSHIP?INTENDING
– 7. TO RESTORE/RESUME THE RELATIONSHIP?
– 8. TO RECREATE/RENEGOTIATE RELATIONSHIP?
Going Deeper With Forgiveness
1. Forgiveness and repentance is a process of discovery.
Have you been forgiven and why? If you have been forgiven then why are you withholding forgiveness from someone else? Thomas Merton stated, “We do not really know how to forgive until we know what it is like to be forgiven” (Quoted by Hill and Mullen “Contexts for Understanding Forgiveness and Repentance as Discovery” Journal of Pastoral Care 2000): 291.
2. We probably won’t learn to forgive through moral exertion or willpower.
3. There is a dynamic relationship between forgiveness and mercy. Our capacity to extend forgiveness often depends on our childhood experiences. “Forgiveness is the extension of empathy to become mercy” (David Augsburger, Helping People Forgive): 167.
4. Forgiveness allows us to imitate God and outwit Satan (Ephesians 4:3-5:1 and 2 Corinthians 2:10-11). I am grateful for this pairing noticed by Dorothy Jean Weaver in “On Imitating God and Outwitting Satan: Biblical Perspectives On Forgiveness and the Community of faith” Mennonite Quarterly Review 68 (1994):168-169.
